(dreaming)... "Ah Rihanna Your skin is soft Baby let's take these knickers off That's it Now let's get dirty..." (alarm sounds) It's ten thirty! Arrrr fucking hell.... wake up! Your job interview is at twelve ain't rose this early in a long time my beds in the corner where the only way out is the wrong side It feels like I've got my head in a blender Wednesday still damaged by the weekend bender Ruff like the site of my gaff Beer cans and drug paraphernalia the flat of a failure that's what you get for living so reckless no milk so it's dry Weetabix for my breakfast (crunch!) Walking out the door suited and buited... like I'm off to my funeral, I ain't getting recruited I'm death warmed up and what the hell will I say ain't prepared nothing selling my self today's like flogging salads to fat kids (Neighbour) "you alright there mate" "You alright mate" (thinking) I fucking hate that prick! So negative! I cracked open a Redbull in the hope it would make me feel a bit less dreadful... It didn't then I jumped on the bus hand in my pocket for the money as I rusled it up I discovered!? Inside my jacket a wrap of speed Shit! Yeah this is guaranteed to take the edge off in this interview and perk me up don't do it! Amphetamines dirty stuff! Trainspotting.. remember that scene with Spud! I won't be that bad..? na don't be silly bruv! well get ready to be a stuttering mess oh shall I take it?? course I'm not gonna take it!! 'Meanwhile at the Office reception waiting to be called for the interview.......' (thinking) "fucking hell....... I am buzzing my tits off!..... this is some fucking strong shit!...." (interviewer) "Mr Gregory" "yep!" (interviewer) "if you'd like to step through this way please" "Certainly Madam!" (interviewer) "oh you sound very enthusiastic" "That I Am!" (interviewer) "OK if you'd like to take a seat... hello Mr Gregory my name is Amanda the main Manager here at the Office in Hampshire so you've applied to be a Marketing Sales Rep I take it that you know what the position entails yep? I still need to ask for a reference If you could provide one after you've answered these questions First off.. Why do you think you right for this role? and what your ultimate goal?" " Yeah! I - am - a really hard worker hit targets and I go much further! quick learner! ain't the sort to graft or flip burgers! here I'm gonna be a big big earner! trust me mate I will smash it! your looking at a future asset- at - this - company!? sorry love I forgot the name.. I'm reliable always on time, not had a sick day in my life! HIGH FIVE!! .... or not.... I am a lot of money in your pot! motivated I'm more than able! skills are coming out my anal! top player when I'm part of a team! I'm conscientious! no what I mean? (interviewer) "umm...... yeah.... Quite delirious.... very keen..... so you have sales experience?" "Yeah wheeler and dealer! I'm a natural! I'm eager to please ya! Telesales Door to Door done it all hun I'm a Connoisseur! someone like me will grow your business! I am a closer! so convincing I sold Christmas decorations to a Jehovas Witness! (interviewer) "OK David... sell me this pen...." ".............? this pen........? See THIS!... Next Peneration! Latest hi-tec innovation! ... Bic... black Ink... In the finest plastic whether you're a Calligrapher or writings like a spastic's... buy this pen it's fantastic! .. can I try again? (Interviewer) "No! That's it, moving on.... Tell us a bit about yourself, your interests, and what you do in your spare "Well!" (interuptingly) "Im a lovely guy cheerful, bubbly, with no ugly side! must admit I've had a bumpy ride still I'm smiling bloody wide!! life and soul of the party! where I leave early, I hardly drink Alcohol or self-indulge! never out of control! health is whole ever developing! Humble and very intelligent! but wise!.. here's a quote.. 'Wisdom is knowing how little you know' but I still know quite a lot you know what I mean, not like the mind of God in the macrocosmic sense like a dot, brighter than the other dots-hunting jobs.. ??... I take pleasure In the great outdoors, a man of great leisure! Helpful Samaritan! I love a little game of Badminton! Quite an accomplished cook I enjoy that and I love a book.. on politics, or history and its one big conspiracy! planned by 33rd degree Masons to enslave the herd of each nation look around it's certainly blatant! don't wake up the Earth'll be.......! my opinion I don't think their shape-shifting Reptillians but without rebellion... they'll have the globe on lock down, Owellian! Big Brother centralisation, this information has to come to the surface! Really important!!....... like customer sevice Shining with work-ethic I'm climbing and perfect is my usual timing! don't you think it's funny how this interview's all rhyming? Let me tell you a story! It was me and my workmate Rory!.when (Interviewer) "Um!" "Na listen! ." (Interviewer) Uh, No! Mr Gregory I think that's enough we'll leave there" "oh is that it?" (Interviewer) "yeah... thanks for coming" "so when do I start??" (Interviewer) "umm... Are you fucking kidding? You are absolutely buzzing!"